Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way. (James 3:2)
Effective communication is the relationship goal that we should all be after. Let’s face it. Effective communication can make or break a relationship. However, communicating our needs or navigating conflict with a loved one isn’t always easy. Here are some good strategies for keeping the communication flowing between you and your loved ones.
Use your ‘I’ Words
When discussing your feelings and especially when handling confrontation, use ‘I’ and not ‘you’ statements. The idea is to express how a certain behavior makes you feel and what the other person can do to pursue connection with you. Using ‘you’ statements can come across as an attack making the other person feel they need to defend themselves. For example, avoid saying things like, “You never pick up after yourself.” Instead try saying, “When you don’t pick up after yourself, it makes me feel like I need to pick up after you. Can you be more consistent with picking up your things when your done using them?” Phrasing things this way makes it easier for the other person in the relationship to understand how their actions impact you without making them feel put down or attacked.
Don’t Let Things Fester
When you find yourself annoyed or frustrated with the other persons actions or behavior, find a way to bring it up using those ‘I’ statements we discussed above. This gives you an opportunity to clear up any misunderstandings and miscommunications, because after all, that person may not even realize how much this behavior bothers you. Talking about minor frustrations early on keeps them from becoming big problems and keeps distance from creeping into your relationships.
Always Choose Honesty
Choosing to be transparent and vulnerable in my close relationships, has allowed me to grow deeply in my friendships and marriage (which is still very new!) I have learned the beauty of sharing the hard parts of my story, along with the tough feelings I sometimes deal with. I have also learned to share when I feel hurt and when I don’t agree with someone’s stance on something. This has made for a genuine and authentic connection with my close loved ones. I feel totally known and loved. This practice builds trust in relationships as you learn to understand that you can share even hard things with one another. Although it can be difficult, choosing honesty creates a relational environment where you can trust each other to always tell the truth.
Practice Checking In
This tip especially comes into play in marriage, but can also be profitable in other relationships as well. As we grow together in our relationships, there are bound to be hot button issues that come up. Don’t wait for things to be a problem before you talk about them. Find times to check in with each other and assess important areas of your relationship. For married couples, this might mean going on a date night and asking one another how you feel you are doing with communication and connection. This could be a time to check in on how you are doing on reaching certain goals you have set as a couple. Having regular check ins makes open communication a regular part of your relationship. This gives each person the opportunity to share any areas they feel need improvement before anything blows up to be a bigger issue.
Value Process Over Perfection
Nobody is perfect. We have the amazing privilege to watch each other grow in relationship. Within our closest relationships, we should push and challenge one another to grow. There are some things in a relationship that will always be dealbreakers, like pushing boundaries, control or abuse, for instance. However, none of our loved ones will ever be perfect and there are some things we will learn to deal with for the sake of relationships. One thing I strongly encourage is to recognize the good God is doing in the lives of your loved ones and make it a point to celebrate their progress. Let your loved ones know how you see them growing. Not only will this make them feel appreciated but it will also help keep them motivated to keep growing in that direction. We all need cheerleaders as we grow through life together.
Communication isn’t always easy, but it is an area where we can all grow. Communication is where love and trust flourishes.
