It has been on my heart for quite a while to write a blog series on dating relationships. As a newly married woman, I feel like I have graduated the dating phase so to speak. Looking back on my experiences, I’d like to talk about toxic/abusive relationship traits versus healthy life-giving relationship traits. I’d like to start by talking about a huge topic, boundaries, mainly physical boundaries.
In 1 Corinthians 6:19-20, Paul writes, “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore, honor God with your bodies.” As believers in Jesus, our bodies are where the Holy Spirit dwells. Our bodies are to be treated as precious and sacred. It is our job to make sure that those we allow into our lives respect our bodies and the boundaries we have set.
When it comes to the subject of dating and physical boundaries, the question that always comes up is how far is too far? This question can lead us into a world of trouble. The questions we need to be asking are how far can I run away from immorality? How can I honor God most? How do I draw closest to Jesus in my dating relationships? If we try to get as close to the line as possible without crossing it, we have already compromised our mental and emotional purity and rest assured our bodies will quickly follow.
Unfortunately, I had to learn many of these lessons the hard way. When I started dating, I communicated some boundaries, but I allowed my boundaries to be trampled over. Although I communicated what my boundaries were, people I dated always pushed the limit. They would start off by crossing smaller boundaries. Once I allowed that, it paved the way for bigger boundaries to be crossed. Of course, being human, I figured out that my natural body liked to cross the boundaries. So, I began to struggle with sin and temptation in that area. Although people I dated always said they had the same values as me, when push came to shove, they were always ready to push things forward the moment I was feeling weak. Although there were some boundaries I didn’t cross, there were plenty that I did. The consequences of that were shame, guilt, remorse and feeling utterly disgusted with myself.
When I met my husband, that all changed. When we started dating, I was afraid of making the same mistakes that I made in the past, so I set up very strict rules rooted in fear and an inability to trust myself. After we made the decision to start dating, I pretty much told him not to come anywhere near me. But overtime, he taught me that I can enjoy (appropriate) physical contact in a relationship and not be disrespected in the process. When we started dating, he verbalized that he had the same values that I did and wanted to wait for sex till marriage. But he also demonstrated that by his actions. We are human and we did deal with temptation, so I’m not saying that this was easy. There were times we would kiss and it took every ounce of restraint I had not to tackle him…just being real! However, we helped each other through this process. When we felt things were getting too heated, we reminded each other of the ultimate goal, enjoying one another in marriage without guilt or regret. For the first time, I had a man who protected me, honored me and at times held me back to defend our commitment to purity!
It felt like a battle sometimes and it felt like the wait was long, but the wait was well worth it. Through this process of protecting one another and helping each other in our commitment to purity, we developed deep trust for each other. We learned the value of caring for one another’s hearts. We were able to develop a healthy relationship not rooted in lust and clouded over by the physical. We became able to communicate about these subjects while dating, which prepared us for marriage.
When our wedding day came, we were able to enjoy intimacy that was beautiful and sacred. We were able to enjoy intimacy as God designed it without the baggage of leading one another into sin. Through my experience, I have realized that no matter how far we have strayed, or the mistakes we have made, God is always able to restore us and help us to experience the purity and intimacy he has designed us for. My past sin, did not disqualify me from a healthy dating relationship with my husband, and now a healthy marriage. We can make a fresh commitment to purity, no matter where we are in the process.
Find someone who respects your boundaries, both big and small. Find someone who will commit to purity with you, as well as establish and maintain healthy boundaries as a team. Find someone who treats you with the respect and honor that you deserve. After all, your Father is a King.