Emotional Abuse:
Escaping the Cycle
Now, Consistency…
I remember what I was thinking about in the final weeks before my wedding. I felt differently than I thought I would feel, but in a good way. The movies and my imagination have always told me that romance and love are strung together with one big moment after another. Everything is sudden and surprising. Everything is always new and exciting. As I prepared to get married, I realized that I felt like my husband was always a part of me. Marrying him seemed natural. Being with him, felt like putting on an old cozy sweater. It was familiar. Safe, warm. Our dating relationship had been consistent. We had grown steadily together through dating and engagement. My heart felt at peace.
Then, Emotional Roller Coaster Ride
I remember the highs and lows of previous relationships. The relationships came to devastating lows through explosive arguments, cruel words targeted against me, along with the ever-present threat of breaking up. The highs came when the same person who broke me would suddenly have a change of heart, embracing me instead of pushing me away, speaking apologies instead of insults and lies, and pulling back the threat of walking away…for that moment. I would be pushed to the point of tears but the same hand that wounded me would come back around to mend the hurt. It was a vicious cycle.
Now, Safety…
The first few months that I dated my spouse, I would be to the point of tears anytime I had to bring up anything serious to talk about. Anytime I needed to talk about something I was struggling with, I would be terrified. I expected anger and rejection. Yet each time I opened my heart to him, I was met with the warmest hug and kindest smile. He assured me that he wanted all parts of me, not just the parts I felt were acceptable. He taught me that I can trust him with my emotions. He told me that it was okay to have feelings, hard days, struggles and needs that I expected to be met. He assured me that I didn’t have to hide my feelings and struggles with him and that he wanted to walk through the tough things in life together.
Then, Walking on Egg Shells…
I remember the constant interrogations. Anytime I got quiet or contemplative, he would ask me what was on my mind. I was always told how stupid and illegitimate my feelings were. I wasn’t allowed any negative emotions. Despite the fact that he would black out drinking several nights a week, my feelings of concern and fear were not to be tolerated. After all, it wasn’t a big deal. It was me who needed counseling, because according to him my reactions to the things he did that scared me were concerning. I remember being told I was the cause for the drinking. I remember being torn down to the point of having panic attacks, which he mocked and mimicked. No matter how badly he hurt me or how much his behavior and anger scared me, somehow, I always found myself apologizing at the end of a conversation. I walked away always thinking I was the broken and damaged one in our equation.
Now, Taking Ownership…
My spouse always amazes me at how well he responds to constructive criticism. If I ever notice something that I feel could use improvement (even when it has to do with him), he takes ownership for it. He isn’t perfect but he is not afraid to admit when he can improve. He then takes the steps to work on himself and to do the things he knows that I value. This was one of the qualities about him that made me realize that we can build a successful marriage and family.
Then, Manipulation and Mind Games
In past relationships, there were times I would call out a boyfriend on some undesirable behavior. Instead of owning up to their behavior, they would subtlety twist the story just enough to make me question my own perceptions and judgment. If I called out addictive behavior, it was twisted just enough to make me feel I was in the wrong for even mentioning it. I had a boyfriend who would consistently mess with my heart and my emotions. Anytime I backed away, they would show love and affection. But anytime it suited them, they would push me away and withhold any affection, claiming they never felt anything for me at all. All this, only to come back with a big apology successfully restarting the cycle all over again.
Now, Encouragement, Support and Building Together
My husband tells me he loves me more times a day than I can count. He always tells me I’m beautiful. He is proud of my accomplishments. He celebrates me. He builds me up and makes me feel confident that I can achieve my dreams, even if I’m walking in a tough season.
Then, Disrespect and Put Downs
I remember the derogatory nick names. I remember being told I better not go over the weight limit. I remember when “I love you” was withheld and I was told it was too difficult to tell me I was beautiful. I remember when it was difficult to be proud of me and easier to tell me that I wasn’t doing a good enough job. I remember when my past accomplishments were seen as unimportant and stupid. I remember the ones who were happier when I felt incapable, then when I excelled in areas where they were still growing. I remember being told they were only with me because they pitied me and felt sorry for me.
Jesus in the Midst of it All
Jesus was with me in every high and low. He stood by my side through it all. He rescued me despite my many mistakes and insistence on doing it my own way. He allowed past relationships to fall apart no matter how badly it hurt me, knowing that staying in those situations would lead to a permanent pain and brokenness. Jesus used my husband to show me what true love looks like. Through the love of my husband, I have understood in a greater way what God’s unconditional love and pursuit of me looks like and feels like. Never settle for a love doesn’t remind you of the love of Christ. True love isn’t meant to bring pain and destruction. True love brings joy and life. True love builds you up and blesses. There is love on the other side of abuse. The more we lean into Jesus, the more we understand what true love is.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
