I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. (Ps. 139:14)
I have a love hate relationship with food. I enjoy food, all types of food. Savory, sweet and everything in between. Food is a favorite study companion and comforter in times of stress. Food is the perfect add-on to any special occasion and really any occasion at all. Food is the perfect entertainment in times of boredom or on a rainy day.
However, there has been a dark side to food in my life. All my life I have struggled with my weight and body image. I have had an illusory target number in mind that I have longed for, chased after, and dreamed that it would appear on the scale I stand upon. And yet, this number has never appeared. It seems as soon as I get close to this number, the scale taunts me by moving in the opposite direction. Not seeing this number has caused me to question my beauty, my worth, and my ability to be loved. As a result of this, I have been on a perpetual, seemingly life long diet that never ends. I have learned to obsess over food and to count every calorie. I have learned to chastise myself for enjoying too much food and as a result have looked forward to vacations with apprehension, as I think about how much weight I will gain.
This post is vulnerable and raw, but it represents not only myself, but countless others in my life who have articulated to me this struggle oh so well. I have reached a point in time, where I simply cannot tolerate this toxic relationship with food any longer. I am on a journey of learning to discover how to change my relationship with food and the view of myself I attach to it. I cannot afford to pass on a distorted body image and obsession with food to the young women in my life and my own future daughters.
I am committed to seeing my beauty and worth in all seasons and facets of life. I am committed to receiving love and affirmation without hesitation, regardless of the number on the scale. I am committed to appreciating my female body and all it can and will accomplish, including providing temporary residency to my future children. I will begin to embrace the idea of weight fluctuations as a natural rhythm of the shifting seasons of life and not an attack on my worth. I will challenge the idea of beauty that I have so longed subscribed to and the notion that beauty only comes in single digit sizes.
I am committed to exploring what it looks like to pursue health, as opposed to beauty, an ideal I already possess. I am committed to exploring what it looks like to pursue an active and healthy lifestyle that allows me the balance of enjoying food without the bitter backlash of self-criticism and shame. I am committed to learning what it means to adopt for myself a new relationship with food and health and the notion of beauty that I can pass on to a future of generation of girls. Will you join me?
