Recently, I wrote a creative piece entitled Letting Go of Control and Splashing into Life. This piece was birthed out of a recent experience I had, during which I felt the Lord speaking to me about the role control has played in my life. This was not a new theme for me, as I have dealt with “control freak” tendencies over the span of my life. However, it did uncover a new layer of a familiar subject and brought fresh revelation of what it might look like to let go more fully and to trust God more deeply.
Left unchecked and to my own devices, anxiety is my vice. Anxiety has shown up in my life in various ways and has taken on many forms and flavors over the years. Sometimes it shows up loud and proud. There’s no denying it or mistaking it. Other times, it has masked and disguised itself as something else, such as perfectionism, preoccupation with the past, or a need to have it all figured out.
I have written many times reflecting on the journey I have taken over the past several years of healing from anxiety rooted in past trauma, along with the lessons I have been learning throughout the process. My healing from anxiety has not been a one-time event, but rather an intentional process inviting the Lord into my pain and coming to terms with the dysfunction in my life. I have had to allow God into the midst of my worries and fears and to guide me through step by step, as He reveals truth to me in areas of my life where I have believed lies. Along the way, I have been able to achieve greater freedom and victory in my life and live more intentionally. Anxiety still tries to barge its way into my mind and heart, but I no longer define myself by it or view it as part of me. Anxiety is an unwelcome guest and I continue to learn how to turn it away when it shows up at my door or to give it the boot when it sneaks its way into my heart.
Recently, I went on a couple’s adventure in Puerto Rico, in which I was met with many challenges and was in very unfamiliar territory. Each day was designed with a specific purpose in mind to strengthen my marriage with my spouse. Despite my desire to lay by the pool and simply relax my way through this experience, instead I found myself ankle deep in mud in a rain forest, climbing huge rock formations over a channel of water, and kayaking in complete darkness, to name a few of our adventures. When we weren’t engaged in an activity, we were talking about real life stuff that may be impacting our marriages. The conversations were vulnerable and raw and not easy to dive into with a group I didn’t know very well. This beautiful experience took me way out of my comfort zone and sparked amazing conversation with my spouse of how we can be more intentional with one another in our relationship.
On another level, God was speaking personally to me. I felt unedge during this experience, tense, tired, and at times frustrated. Oh yeah, and also, you might have guessed it, anxious. It was at this point that God began to speak to my heart about how much of my fear and anxiety stems from trying to control things that only He can rightfully control. He spoke to me about how having to have answers and certainty and to feel as though I am in the driver’s seat keeps me from letting go and embracing the true beauty of the moment. Although self-awareness is a strength of mine, He spoke to me about how on the other side of the coin, it has fed into hyper-perfectionism in my life. Being super self-aware has led me to scrutinize my every thought, feeling, and action, and to hold myself to a standard that doesn’t allow room for me to be messy or human. I haven’t fully grasped the freedom that comes with knowing I don’t have to have it all figured out, every moment of every day. I can be messy, unresolved, and in process. When God highlights my flaws and targets areas of my life for change, He does it in gentleness. He doesn’t ambush me or demand perfection. But when I put myself in control, I treat myself like a drill sergeant at times demanding order and results.
I’ll admit that putting myself in control has led to moments of peace in my life. It has been soothing at times. If it wasn’t, it wouldn’t be difficult to let it go. However, as the Lord has been revealing to me, the peace it offers is very fleeting and limited. It only lasts so far as things go my way and can only go so far as the reaches of my own understanding. Then, it’s gone. Once the peace subsides, it leaves me grasping for more control, and thus the cycle continues.
God is showing me that true, lasting, and unconditional peace is found in letting go and allowing Him to be control, recognizing that He is for us. True peace is found in telling Him about our anxieties and worries and laying them all out before Him. It comes when we admit we don’t have answers and can sit in the messy moments of fear and uncertainty, knowing that He will lead us to the peace we are searching for one step at a time. We can know that He will provide the answers and the healing that we cannot produce in our strength, but it will be in His way and in His timing. This sort of peace allows us to rest in His love, knowing that in those moments, being still in His presence can offer us more freedom, than trying to do anything to earn or secure it for ourselves. We can rest, even in all our imperfection, in the heart of perfect love, knowing that He who began His work in us, will be faithful to complete what He started (Phil. 1:6).
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Phil 4:6-7)
