I’ll fight to be a woman with a little girl’s heart. -Joanna Gaines
You have received the “Spirit of full acceptance,” enfolding you into the family of God. And you will never be orphaned, for as he rises up within us, our spirits join him in saying the words of tender affection, “Beloved Father!” For the Holy Spirit makes God’s fatherhood real to us as he whispers into our innermost being, “You are God’s beloved child!” (Rom. 8:15-16 TPT)
I recently finished the book The Stories we Tell by one of my favorites, Joanna Gaines of the show Fixer Upper. In it she writes about reclaiming the parts of us that we lost along the way. She writes,
“If you’ve never been able to determine what made that part of you disappear think about the first time you started to live for someone or something more than yourself…Go back, if you can, to who you were the year, the hour, the minute before the shift happened. Is there a piece or a part of that person worth reclaiming?”
I know what the moment was for me. I know when the shift occurred that brought me from a carefree existence filled with awe and wonder to a sudden loss of innocence through which shame unpacked its bags in the residence of my heart and announced its intentions to stay. I spent my childhood and most of my adulthood filled with fear and anxiety. I relentlessly spun my wheels finding ways to cover shame, to perfect myself, and to perform for those around me. In the process, I forgot what it was like to be childlike, carefree, messy, filled with excitement and anticipation, and full of trust and confidence in my heavenly papa. I forgot that I was unconditionally loved for who I am. I forgot that no matter how many years go by, I am still God’s child.
I may be in my 30’s, but I am in the process of learning what it is to be a child again. Over a year ago, I was processing the impact of some past trauma with a close spiritual mentor of mine. She walked me through an exercise where she asked me to imagine God in the midst of my pain. In my mind, I saw an image of Jesus reaching out to me with a box of crayons and inviting me to play. This spiritual impression reminded me that even in the midst of tough stuff and difficult seasons of healing, God wanted me to find fun and enjoyment in Him and in life. He wanted me to give myself permission to be the child I never got to be growing up. He wanted me to rediscover my little girl’s heart, as Joanna put it.
I have learned to be kinder to little girl me. I have learned to reexamine the false accusations, labels, and expectations I have directed to the littler version of me with all my ideas of what I should have done, should have known, or how I should have been better. I am learning to extend the grace and compassion that says the shame was never mine to bear and although, I have always been flawed, I did the best I could with what I knew. I am learning to give little girl me the permission to be flawed, messy, scared, confused, and yet to blossom, to grow, to heal, to learn, and to recognize how beautiful and loved she is in the midst of it all.
I am learning the importance of recognizing what I needed as a child and learning to find ways to allow God to meet those needs now, through the various avenues of healing he provides and graciously leads me to. Is it fear I am feeling? Feeling not good enough? Disappointed? Angry? When did I feel those things as a child? What did I need then? How do I seek God for the love, assurance and comfort I need now? I remind myself to be still and to trust Him to come through.
Where have you lost your childlike heart? Your innocence? Your spirit of adventure? Your excitement? What if those things weren’t fully lost, yet simply waiting to be rediscovered? Approach the throne of grace and ask God to help you to reclaim your childlike heart. Where better to go then to the heart of the Father?
What if it’s time to play, to explore, and to trust like a child?
